Mixed Emotions

My emotions are so jumbled right now, and I hate it! Friday I learned that one of my dear friends is pregnant. I have about 4 friends who have been ttc for as long as T and I have, and unfortunately we have all had our share of difficulties on this journey. We are constantly in touch about all of our ttc details, and we have been a great support to one another during this emotional roller coaster ride. I am genuinely happy for my friend. I know how badly she and her dh wanted this, and they so deserve this joy and their precious baby to come. I know they will be out of this world parents too. However, there is a part of me that is sad because I so want this to be me. I have been constantly fighting against this sadness, jealousy, etc. because I realize it steals a bit of the joy I should have for her at this time. This is a part of the ttc that I am still trying to master (genuinely being happy for others who have conceived while T and I continue trying). I am so not a jealous hearted person, so these emotions go against everything that I am, and I hate it! I hate that I can not stand the feeling I get when I see my pregnant colleagues either. Why do I feel this way? I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I know my time will come, so I am really ok with that. I just want to be able to wholeheartedly rejoice with those who receive their miracle before me.