My Destiny

Many people spend their entire lives trying to discover and ultimately reach their destiny. I know what my destiny is. In fact, I feel like I have always known. I know that I am on my way. I am much closer than I have ever been, and I am beyond excited and so very grateful. What is my destiny? MOTHERHOOD. This is the purpose for which I have been created. How do I know? I feel it within every fiber of my being. My destiny is to have life formed on the inside of me. My destiny is to carry this life and nurture it as it grows and becomes ready to enter into this world. When that time comes, my destiny is to bring that life forth into this world. How many times am I to do this? As many times as God will bless me to be able to. I am ready. I am willing. For this is my destiny...this is my purpose.

My name is T, and I have been married to my husband, T, for 2.5 years. I am 33 and T is 40. This is my first marriage, but T has been married before. I have no biological children yet, but T has two from his previous marriage (ages 15 and 12). While in his previous marriage, T got a vasectomy, as he thought he was done having children. However, a divorce and remarriage later :-), we are at a place where we both desperately want children. So roughly 10 months ago, T had his vasectomy reversed. His follow-up appointment and SA revealed that the operation was a success, and we eagerly started trying to conceive a child. At first it was really exciting. I immediately started charting, using opks, etc. Oh, the joys of trying to conceive...

Now it is nine months later, and we are still not pregnant. I never considered the possibility of it taking this long. I know, I did read that most people take a year to conceive and sometimes longer. I know. It is one thing to read it, and a totally different thing when you are the one living it. I was so not prepared for the emotional toll that this journey has taken on both T and I. No one told me about the obsession that takes over your life on this journey. I have started to live my life according to my cycle days. I am constantly reading things on trying to conceive, even though I have promised myself a million times that I will stop. No one told me that I would take stock in hpts, and that I would not be able to hold off on testing until after I miss AF, even though I swear that I will every month. No one told me about the profound sadness that takes over me every time I see a negative hpt or blood from AF starting. No one told me that every unsuccessful month would be an unspoken challenge to my womanhood, even if it is in my own mind. I was so not prepared for this! No one warned me that I would take notice of every pregnant woman when I am out in public. I wasn't prepared for the turmoil I feel when I try to congratulate others on conceiving, while grieving for myself at the same time.

This journey has been very trying, but yet there is still a hope and an excitement within me that I know comes only from God. There is an assurance within me that convinces me that I WILL enter into my destiny, and that it will not be far off. I know that my turn will come, and when it does, I know that I will cherish it...appreciate it...be grateful for it that much more as I know what it feels like to want it so badly and not have it.